Michelle's Travels

Where I’m At

Early cherry blossoms in front of the dorms!

A lot has happened since the last time I posted on my blog. For starters, I am over the half way done with my study abroad program! How crazy is that? To be completely honest, if I had only taken one semester at Hitotsubashi, I would have left Japan wanting more. More time to experience the seasons change, more time with the people that I met during this entire program, and more time to appreciate Japan’s unique charm. Although it hasn’t all been sunshine and rainbows here, I am starting to remember the things that make me happy and how much I enjoy being there for others. People would always tell me to be careful and to not let others take advantage of my kindness, and over time, I gave into that idea of reserving myself for people who I thought mattered. This mindset led me to becoming more selfish. I put myself first before others. I caved into the idea that it was a form of self-love and self-care. All over social media, people emphasize one’s own personal health and well-being and encourage others to do the same. Of course, this is good advice, but sometimes being trapped in a bubble where you only think about yourself can be really isolating.

For a moment, I began to distance myself from my friends and used the excuse that I needed some “me time” to validate my behaviors. From there, it went onto not wanting to see anyone at all and wanting to stay in my room all day sleeping and watching videos online. It became numbing and I wasn’t feeling like myself. I had too much “me time” and eventually I became a bitter person towards everyone. I knew that this wasn’t healthy for me, but I didn’t know how to fix it. I would wish that I was back at UCSB again with my housemates, my friends and my family. I would envy the fun times I had with them as I sat in my room moping. I didn’t like it. I wasn’t happy, which is a constant struggle that I’ve had since coming to Japan. I thought the solution was to take time for myself… to think and reflect. Take time for myself to do whatever it is I needed to do, so I can be happy again, but then I realized something. As my friend’s birthday was soon approaching, I remembered how much I loved doing things for others. Whether if it was waiting to see their reactions when they opened their gift or if it was a small gesture like cleaning up after the party, it made me feel good being able to do something for them to show how much I appreciated them. When I became kinder to others, I became kinder to myself. And at that moment, I began taking more steps towards what made me feel most comfortable and happy. Getting wrapped up in my own thoughts and ideas got me nowhere, but being able to provide for others helped me find my footing again. There are many things that I can get angry about, but knowing that I can be kind and compassionate makes my day a bit brighter. It’s has definitely helped being around friends that make me feel safe to be myself, and I can confidently say that I am in a better place, so I guess that’s where I’m at now 🙂

Also, happy to report that I am healthy and safe in the midst of the COVID-19 pandemic. Supplies like toilet paper and face masks are slowly becoming easier to find, but who needs toilet paper when you have the magical power of the Japanese bidet ❤ I hope that everyone is healthy and safe! Please remember to practice basic hygiene and wash your hands often! ^.^

Time Off

I finished my first semester about 2 weeks ago and it honestly has been really nice being able to relax and have more time for myself. I’ve been able to sleep in, stay up late, and do nothing for some time and it’s been great! I get to hang out with my friends more and wander around more, but I’ve also felt like I was stuck in a loop. Everyday feels like the weekend now, and I haven’t been doing things that help me grow and learn because I relied on school to do that for me. Now, I have to figure it out myself. It’s has been really hard to know what I want to do for myself, and how I want to spend my day more effectively and productively, so I just let myself continue to “relax”. It became a constant cycle and I got comfortable with it. I began to forget what day it was and what I did the other day. I thought by relaxing and not thinking about anything I’d be less stressed. Instead, became less and less mindful and aware.

I constantly get reminded to do things for myself, but now I wonder if it really was for myself or if I am doing it for others. Sure my choices and decisions can be influenced by them, but was that what I really wanted? Knowing the motivation or reason behind my choices are blurred and I am struggling to differentiate the two. That’s why I am going to try to take a step back to think and reflect. I feel like I am at a point where I need to start doing things for myself rather than out of obligation. The obligation of school and work are not present at the moment, but that does not mean my growth and learning ends. I let traditional forms of education be my primary source of growth and knowledge, but now I have to go out and seek it myself. With endless possibilities, it is hard for me to know where to start. So I went with reading. I haven’t read a book for myself in years, so I think it would a nice and easy thing to start for myself. Not sure how it’ll go but I’m lucky to get the chance to.

Distance

Relationships of any kind take effort to maintain and to develop, and some might be easier than others depending on who that person is. With the 17-hour time difference between Tokyo and California, it’s been difficult to make time to talk and catch up with my friends and family back home. I don’t have the luxury of calling them every day or getting to see them once a week anymore. I’m missing birthdays and celebrations, and can only see what they’re up to through social media. But I know despite all of that, that they are still supporting me and sending me love all the way from California. And that is especially true with my boyfriend. Through all my rough patches here in Japan, he has always been by my side late at night to comfort me and be there for me. With no hesitation, he would be there if I ever needed him. Even though we were over 5,000 miles apart, we tried out best to make that space seem smaller. But over time, little things began popping up here and there that made maintaining our relationship more difficult.

They say that communication is key when you’re in a LDR and that being transparent with one another will help build the relationship. Some told me that this can be a test to see if we would work out in the end. Before meeting him, I was set on going to Japan, which meant that being in a relationship was not going to change it, but when it was time for us to say goodbye, it was one of the hardest things to do. I know that that a relationship is more than just the physical aspect of being together, but being apart for a year is hard when we used to live a couple of blocks apart and hung out almost every single day. I started off this LDR optimistic that we could do it. A year will fly by in no time, and that we will see each other before we know it. Maybe that was easier said than done. I learned that there are certain aspects of a relationship that is can’t be replicated when you’re long-distance. The peaceful silence you share with someone, for example. Even though there is no conversation going on between anyone, the fact of having them therae and being comfortable with it is a feeling that isn’t well translated when you’re doing it over facetime or phone call. When the main source of communication had to switch from verbal communication to texting made it even harder to adjust to long-distance. The relationship shifted, and I was in denial. I thought these were issues that we can easily fix since we never really had any arguments when we were together. It’s hard when you can’t show love and affection the way you want it to. And for a moment, there was a drift between us, that I didn’t know what to do with. So much can be said and done when your partner is so far away. We decided to take a couple of step back and start over. Listening to one another and going from there, and I think its been helping us get back on track. Guys, long distance sucks and it is not easy. You have to consistently work to build the relationship. Especially with the holiday season, it doesn’t make it any easier… I feel very lucky to have my significant other in my life and to have his support throughout my journey abroad.

This Christmas, I’ll be spending it with friends that I met here, and New Year’s with my host-family! I wish everyone a happy holiday season, and I’ll see you guys next year!

Being Thankful

Autumn leaves at my dormitory in Kodaira.

It’s already been a little over three months since I’ve been in Japan and time is going by faster than I thought. November was a time where I really learned to understand my hardships and where they were stemming from, and now, I am feeling better than I have in a long while. Seeing the seasons change in Japan is so breathtaking and I feel so lucky to be experiencing it as an exchange student. My daily routine stays the same, but the scenery always feels new. On my walks to school now, leaves are a bright golden yellow and brighten up the area around it, while the red maple leaves add a feeling of warmth during these colder days. The wind makes the leaves fall like confetti and it almost is surreal. I’ve never experienced anything like this in California, where I get spoiled with the nice sunny weather all year round, and it makes me wonder how perfect it’ll be it have seasons in California. Some of the trees have already shed all of their leaves and I am excited to see what the winter and spring will look like. Being in Japan has definitely given me a greater appreciation for nature and plants. When you get to see a whole street filled with golden leaves, it feels surreal. Being able to go outside and appreciate things like this has helped me be more mindful and thankful for this experience. From learning a lot about myself and regaining my confidence, seeing the growth and progress I have made in Japanese, and meeting friends that I would have never met otherwise, I am very thankful that I am able to be in Japan for a year. I feel like the time I spend exploring parts of Japan on my own is an activity that I am growing to love more and more. For some time, I told myself that I was capable of being on my own, and being in Japan forced me to really learn to depend on myself. I doubted myself and my abilities during my time here and only recently, I have been able to really be accountable for myself. I feel more in charge in who I am and how I feel and feels amazing. I am really thankful for being where I am now, and I can’t wait to see my progress throughout my time here.

School is almost done as well (thank goodness)! Although my finals week is after winter break, I am excited to have some free time to relax. School here took some adjusting to and I am not sure if I prefer it over UCSB just yet, but I guess that’ll be for another post hehe. Until then, I hope to see you next time!

What am I doing here?

Since coming to Japan, the transition that I had to make here was mentally and emotionally more taxing than I thought it would be. You hear people say that it’s not going to be easy and that homesickness is going to hit hard, but for me, it feels as if I was going through that and more. Along with feeling homesick, I had things that I had to figure out for myself. Like how to be on my own and be happy on my own. Why was I feeling this way, and what is causing me to feel so upset and unsettled. I lost a lot of my self-confidence here in Japan. It was like being the new kid at school and having to navigate everything on your own and having no loved ones there to help you. I was not grounded in who I was and what my intentions were in Japan, and I think that was one the most important aspects about myself that I valued. Before coming to Japan, my motivation was figuring out how I was going to get myself there. I had scholarships, interviews, applications, and deadlines that I had to meet in order to get towards my goal of going to Japan, but now that I am here, my motivation and my drive was gone. I felt like I was going with the flow of things and trying to adjust to my new life here, while also not feeling grounded with my goals and plans for Japan. Why was I here? What was it really for? I couldn’t find an answer that satisfied me. There wasn’t something compelling enough for me to be truly happy. I went to school knowing that the goal is to graduate. I even spent one summer with three part time jobs while also taking summer courses with the goal to pay off my student loans and to graduate on time. Goals are things that helped me figure out my drive, my motivation, and my purpose, and I didn’t really think about what my goals were for Japan, which was why I think I was having a really difficult time adjusting to things… why I felt so sad and lonely… Even though I came to Japan not really know why or the meaning behind it, at least I can try to find it now. I started with remembering parts of my day that did many me happy, and realizing how sweet and special these memories are because once I leave Japan, I’ll be moving on to something else. Slowly I can see how precious my time is here and how it is helping rediscover who I am. I came across a saying that said, “living itself is meaningful enough” and it really resonated with me and my struggle to figure myself out. I think I am going to remind myself that being able to even live in Japan is something to be thankful for and just being able to live my life is so important than knowing what are my goals and aspirations. It allowed me to take a step back and breathe. I guess this is more than just my road towards being okay, but now this is something that is helping in my pursuit to happiness. I can say now that I am feeling more like myself than I have in a while and its really nice.

Excuses

So I have definitely fallen off my weekly schedule like I intended, and honestly, it’s because I felt that there was nothing worth writing about. With midterms and presentations this week, I gave myself the excuse to not write anything. I excused myself from a lot of things. I excused myself from going out with my friends, so I can study. I excused myself from studying because I felt tired and overworked from my schedule. I found any little inconvenience to give myself any excuse to be upset, frustrated, sad, lonely… I enabled and fed these feelings thinking that I was giving myself the time I need to make myself to feel better. Before I could even realize it, I was unhappy again. I felt sorry for myself again. I was back to where I was before. I thought I was okay… happy even, but that wasn’t the case.

I began to wonder how I let myself get to this state again. This isn’t who I am used to being or who I was before I went abroad. Before, I was confident, independent, happy; where did it go? Even if there were moments that made me happy these recent weeks, it felt like I was only doing it to escape what I was truly feeling. I went to my internship out of obligation. I went to school because I had to. I ate food because my body needs it. I forced myself to get up and do these things, but I was not doing it for myself. I guess I lost my sense of purpose, and I was taking it out on people that I loved most. I could not figure out why I was feeling this way or where it was coming from, but it gave me more excuses to be upset. I even considered cutting my year long program short and coming home after this semester ended, but quickly realized that I just couldn’t do that to myself. I had to figure something out; I had to do something. Then I remembered something that happened during my internship that really made me happy. During school hours, I usually help the first graders during homework support time. One day, while the students were packing their bags, I wanted to give a high-five to a student for completing all of her work. She gave me her best high five and as I stood up, she also gave me a hug. She was smaller than most students and was wearing a puffer jacket that might have been a size too big. She reminded me of me. Growing up, I was a small, fragile kid that got sick more frequently than others, and I saw myself in her. A precious moment that I will never forget, and a moment that gave me a sense of fulfillment. I realized if I were to pack my bags and go home, then I would be leaving these kids that were filled with so much love and joy. I knew that I wanted to be a teacher because it gave me a sense of purpose and fulfillment, and remembering that moment rekindled that passion. I began to see how lucky am I to have these experiences. I get to be a part of their lives and help them grow, and without knowing it, they were helping me. Even though I can’t change the situation that I am in now, I can change how I was viewing it. Slowly, but surely, the things that I found to be mundane became things that I did with intent and purpose. I was feeling fulfillment in the things I do and started to appreciate what I have. One change can make a world of a difference and had helped me get back on the road to feeling okay. I want to be in love life, but I can’t do it with the mindset that I was having. I have to remind myself that progress is not linear and that it’s okay to have bad days because they will never go away, and take things step by step, day by day.

Blurry Days

Hey y’all! It’s some time since I last updated my blog, and time seems to be slipping right past me as I continue with my weekly routine of attending classes and heading to my internship. The only time that I can have for myself is the weekend, so trying to balance my internship, classes, exploring Japan, and having room for me time has been a little of a struggle. I feel like I am working a 9-5 job, and it has definitely taken some time getting adjusted to it. As I slowly become more and more adjusted to my life here in Japan, there are moments where I still can’t believe that I am actually in Japan. I usually take a 20 minute walk back to the station after my internship, and by that time the sun has already gone down. I take a main street all the way back to the station and during the night, the street is illuminated with bright signs teeming with small restaurants and cafes. It also rains more often here in Japan compared to California, but that doesn’t stop people from heading out to the local ramen shops. The street is familiar but foreign, but as I continue to learn Japanese at my university, the street transforms into something new. I begin to understand what some of the signs say, and what each store offers.

Each time I follow my daily routine, there are those days where I look around with a new perspective of the same street. I wonder if that’s what it was like for my parents when they first immigrated to America. The feeling of being in a completely foreign country, and not being able to completely understand what is going on. I was lucky to have studied Japanese a year prior, but my parents came to America with no knowledge of the language at all. It must have been so difficult for them, not being able to understand anything about this new country. But over time, my parents were able to make America their home. Although I don’t plan on making Japan my home, I feel like I am closer to my parents and their experiences. Each day that I am here, the more adjusted I become and the faster the days seem to past by. It’s almost like I am taking the days for granted, so I want to work towards being more present. As the new year starts to creep closer and closer, I wonder how I’d grow during these next couple of months.

Storytime: Anxieties

Hey everyone! I hope that y’all are doing well 🙂 I think that Autumn has started to sweep through Japan as the days slowly get colder each passing day. Typhoon Hagibis struck Japan late last Saturday and although there was damage done to Japan, I am happy to report that I am safe and sound! I was being a little risky last Friday by going to my internship, that was a 40 minute commute one-way, as the rain was getting heavier and heavier each passing hour. With a fear of what is to come, I’m glad I still went that day.

For my internship, it mainly consists of me being an intensive English tutor for two kids that are both in first grade. During their “homework support time”, children are allowed time to work on assignments for the day, and usually during this time, I am able to help other students with their work. That was when I met a girl, who was also in first grade, that had so much anxiety that she was in emotional distress. I was caught so off guard; how can a first grader be so upset that she is not finishing her homework at school? As tears stream down her little face, she still pushes herself to try to finish her assignment. During this time, many of her classmates had already finished and waited in line to get their answers checked by the teacher. I can see panic set into her eyes as she realizes that she was the only one who was not finished and she became nervous and frustrated that she wasn’t done. She looks at me for help and I realized that I had to step in. I had to reassure her that she still has plenty of time to get it done, and with that statement alone, she looks up at me with her watery eyes, “Really?”. I felt so bad that she was feeling this way at such a young age. I knew that I would have never wanted to do it alone, so I made sure I stayed with her the entire time and shift her focus back to the assignment. She would steal glances at her peers and would quickly get defeated and upset, but I was there to reassured her however many times she needed it. With only five minutes left in class, she was able to complete her work and just like that, all her tears were gone and no one could tell that she was crying 10 minutes prior. She was back to being kid again. I did not realize that anxieties and social pressures can already be picked up by children as young as six. As they grow older, they are not taught to cope with their anxieties and pressures which can resurface throughout one’s life. No one seemed to notice she was in distress except for me and I realized how important being an adult figure in a child’s life is so vital in helping them learn and grow.

I was shocked and saddened to know that kids at that age are already emotional vulnerable through their own expectations, but I learned first-hand that supporting those students and teaching them to cope and work with their nerves is just as important as any other subject taught in class. No one really showed me how to deal with my anxiety and there were times I was so crippled by my own thoughts. I kept it to myself and whenever I would share it, I couldn’t control my emotions. For me, I think it is deeply rooted in my childhood and why I felt so compelled to make sure that the little girl did not feel alone. It makes me wonder how society can help raise children to be more perceptive to their emotions and how it can change their life. I guess this is one of the reasons why I want to become a teacher. I want to be depended on, and always be there for others. I know that this is spark of passion that I have and want to continue to explore and develop. I hope I made it up by writing a little longer of a post, but that you again, as always, for reading my posts and my stories. I can’t wait to see what’s in store for this week and share it with y’all, but until then, have a great week!

One Month Mark!

I can’t believe that it has already been a little over a month since I’ve landed in Japan! This past month felt like it dragged on for too long, but also flew by at the same time. As I become more accustomed to my life here, I’ve gained more confidence to go out of my comfort zone and explore parts of Japan on my own. This past weekend, I spent a day exploring Harajuku and walking down the infamous Takeshita Street. Pro tip: Don’t ever go in a big crowd over the weekend because this small street is packed with tourists and natives alike wherever you go. There is no such as thing personal space, but since I took a solo trip, I was able to take my time and get lost in the crowd. Once again, I was in awe in how innovative Japan is in utilizing their space. With stores stacked on top of one another, don’t forget to always look up and down! There are so many hidden nooks that you can easily walk by.

In the blur of people, I couldn’t help but think about the ones that I miss and how I wished that they were with me. Don’t get me wrong! The new friends that I’ve met so far are people that I am so thankful to have, but I couldn’t help but miss the people that are over 5,000 miles away. I would feel lonely. I wasn’t happy. I started to feel sorry for myself and as I dwelled on those feelings, it snowballed into anger, frustration, and resentment. I couldn’t understand why I was feeling this way. It was cyclic and toxic and I became fed up with how I was feeling. With all these pent-up emotions, I decided to begin meditating again to see if it’ll help. During one of my sessions, I was asked to think about the people that are motivating me. More than just for myself, I began thinking about people who are dear to me. And just like before, I began getting overwhelmed with the of loneliness barreling down on me and I started to feel a tightness on my chest. As thought of them, I also started thinking about how they are rooting for me. Despite being half way across the world, they are sending me their endless love and support. Soon after, my chest felt lighter and the feeling of loneliness was replaced with calmness. I was able to get out of my own head and allowed my feelings to pass. I regained a bit of my confidence and determination that I felt that I lost during my transition here. I made myself feel like a victim to my circumstances, and once I realized that, I snapped out of that illusion. I could finally breathe and be calm. I would have never imagined that my time abroad so far would as emotional as it is, but the issues that I struggled with deep down, eventually bubbled up to the surface where I had no choice but to face them. I say this every time, but I am grateful to be going through this experience. Traveling isn’t what is seems and it can take a toll on your mental and emotional health. Taking the time for yourself to recognize your feelings and working on them is so important. Although I still feel lonely, I now think about all the love and support that I am so lucky to have, and I feel okay. It’s okay to be lonely, but it’s important to not let it brew into something that isn’t healthy long-term. I’m still learning to be okay, but I know that I am in a better place ☺️

Elevator Adventures

This past weekend was a wild one to say the least. For starters, I got stuck in the elevator for about an hour I’d say. Although, I’m not completely sure because my phone died while I was waiting to get some help. But before all of that, I met Akari, a friend of a friend who told me that we would get along really well once I get to Japan. We spent the day walking around Asakusa and saw Senso-ji temple while getting caught in the current of tourists walking around. We later went to the Pokémon center at Sky Tree which is the tallest structure in Japan. For dinner, we decided to have dinner at the izakaya that Akari worked and there I met her coworkers and some locals who were super friendly and sweet. The energy was so lively and I got to practice my Japanese. It was a night with many laughs and new memories that I am thankful for. As the night came to an end, I was able to catch my last train back to my main station with the help of Akari making sure I was going the right direction, but the train was no longer in service so I had to walk for about 45 minutes to get to my dorm. As I get to my dorm building, I wait for the elevator to take me to the fourth floor. I just had a long walk and I wasn’t about to take the stairs, so as the elevator takes to my floor, the door wouldn’t open. After 10-15 minutes of me trying to pry it open, I trealized that this is more serious than I thought. I quickly asked a group chat with most of the international students from my school to see if they can help me. Thankfully, Morgan was there for me to help call the guards. Helped finally arrived, 40 minutes later and I was able to get out, but Morgan was there with me the whole time. Once I got out, I spend the rest of my weekend inside my room. After the whole ordeal, many of the international students that I met all made sure that I was alright, and it made me realize that there is a special community within the exchange students that cares for one another. Although I was not aware of it, I see how friends like Akari and Morgan were there for me even though we don’t know each other that well. Despite missing my friends and family back home, I’m starting to feel a sense of home here in Japan. Despite being stuck in a haunted elevator, I am glad to know that I can rely on others here as well.