What am I doing here?

Since coming to Japan, the transition that I had to make here was mentally and emotionally more taxing than I thought it would be. You hear people say that it’s not going to be easy and that homesickness is going to hit hard, but for me, it feels as if I was going through that and more. Along with feeling homesick, I had things that I had to figure out for myself. Like how to be on my own and be happy on my own. Why was I feeling this way, and what is causing me to feel so upset and unsettled. I lost a lot of my self-confidence here in Japan. It was like being the new kid at school and having to navigate everything on your own and having no loved ones there to help you. I was not grounded in who I was and what my intentions were in Japan, and I think that was one the most important aspects about myself that I valued. Before coming to Japan, my motivation was figuring out how I was going to get myself there. I had scholarships, interviews, applications, and deadlines that I had to meet in order to get towards my goal of going to Japan, but now that I am here, my motivation and my drive was gone. I felt like I was going with the flow of things and trying to adjust to my new life here, while also not feeling grounded with my goals and plans for Japan. Why was I here? What was it really for? I couldn’t find an answer that satisfied me. There wasn’t something compelling enough for me to be truly happy. I went to school knowing that the goal is to graduate. I even spent one summer with three part time jobs while also taking summer courses with the goal to pay off my student loans and to graduate on time. Goals are things that helped me figure out my drive, my motivation, and my purpose, and I didn’t really think about what my goals were for Japan, which was why I think I was having a really difficult time adjusting to things… why I felt so sad and lonely… Even though I came to Japan not really know why or the meaning behind it, at least I can try to find it now. I started with remembering parts of my day that did many me happy, and realizing how sweet and special these memories are because once I leave Japan, I’ll be moving on to something else. Slowly I can see how precious my time is here and how it is helping rediscover who I am. I came across a saying that said, “living itself is meaningful enough” and it really resonated with me and my struggle to figure myself out. I think I am going to remind myself that being able to even live in Japan is something to be thankful for and just being able to live my life is so important than knowing what are my goals and aspirations. It allowed me to take a step back and breathe. I guess this is more than just my road towards being okay, but now this is something that is helping in my pursuit to happiness. I can say now that I am feeling more like myself than I have in a while and its really nice.