Excuses

So I have definitely fallen off my weekly schedule like I intended, and honestly, it’s because I felt that there was nothing worth writing about. With midterms and presentations this week, I gave myself the excuse to not write anything. I excused myself from a lot of things. I excused myself from going out with my friends, so I can study. I excused myself from studying because I felt tired and overworked from my schedule. I found any little inconvenience to give myself any excuse to be upset, frustrated, sad, lonely… I enabled and fed these feelings thinking that I was giving myself the time I need to make myself to feel better. Before I could even realize it, I was unhappy again. I felt sorry for myself again. I was back to where I was before. I thought I was okay… happy even, but that wasn’t the case. 

I began to wonder how I let myself get to this state again. This isn’t who I am used to being or who I was before I went abroad. Before, I was confident, independent, happy; where did it go? Even if there were moments that made me happy these recent weeks, it felt like I was only doing it to escape what I was truly feeling. I went to my internship out of obligation. I went to school because I had to. I ate food because my body needs it. I forced myself to get up and do these things, but I was not doing it for myself. I guess I lost my sense of purpose, and I was taking it out on people that I loved most. I could not figure out why I was feeling this way or where it was coming from, but it gave me more excuses to be upset. I even considered cutting my year long program short and coming home after this semester ended, but quickly realized that I just couldn’t do that to myself. I had to figure something out; I had to do something. Then I remembered something that happened during my internship that really made me happy. During school hours, I usually help the first graders during homework support time. One day, while the students were packing their bags, I wanted to give a high-five to a student for completing all of her work. She gave me her best high five and as I stood up, she also gave me a hug. She was smaller than most students and was wearing a puffer jacket that might have been a size too big. She reminded me of me. Growing up, I was a small, fragile kid that got sick more frequently than others, and I saw myself in her. A precious moment that I will never forget, and a moment that gave me a sense of fulfillment. I realized if I were to pack my bags and go home, then I would be leaving these kids that were filled with so much love and joy. I knew that I wanted to be a teacher because it gave me a sense of purpose and fulfillment, and remembering that moment rekindled that passion. I began to see how lucky am I to have these experiences. I get to be a part of their lives and help them grow, and without knowing it, they were helping me. Even though I can’t change the situation that I am in now, I can change how I was viewing it. Slowly, but surely, the things that I found to be mundane became things that I did with intent and purpose. I was feeling fulfillment in the things I do and started to appreciate what I have. One change can make a world of a difference and had helped me get back on the road to feeling okay. I want to be in love life, but I can’t do it with the mindset that I was having. I have to remind myself that progress is not linear and that it’s okay to have bad days because they will never go away, and take things step by step, day by day.